06/10/2010

Dear Patti,
I’m a happily married gay man and my partner, James, and I are very fortunate to be extremely successful in our careers, as well as having full social lives within our community. James’ family lives out of state and mine lives locally. I know my family is trying to accept my alternative lifestyle but, even after several years, it still seems difficult at times for them, especially my older sister.
 
James and I were sitting in my parents’ living room, for instance, when my sister walked by, took both her hands and uncrossed my legs so as to position them in a less “effeminate” manner. Another time, when I was upset over a family dynamic, she jokingly declared in front of everyone, “Oh, come on, Brandon, stop being so whiny and gay. Man-up!” As recently as a few weeks ago, I told my 10-year-old nephew, whom James and I are very close to, not to play ball out in the street. He rolled his eyes and complained that I was overprotective. This prompted my sister to remark that my parenting was a “little faggy.” Though she said it quietly, I could tell by the way my nephew smothered a smile that he must have heard her.
 
James resents that no one in the family confronts these offensive remarks. His point is well taken that we have lots of close friends who are straight and who’d never dream of being so disrespectful. While I agree this behavior is wrong. I also know they’ve come a long way toward accepting my homosexuality since I first came out. I try to accept them for who they are and realize they’re never going to be as sensitive as our hand-picked friends. You probably wouldn’t remember, but you and I met before at an arts event, and I’d really appreciate your insights on how to handle this.
—Brandon

Dear Brandon,
I appreciate your desire to be patient and understanding with your family. I also agree that first hearing that a family member is gay can bring up a lot of intense confusion and sometimes difficult emotions. Since it has been several years that you let them know of your homosexuality, it sounds as if there’s been time for everyone to adjust. Instead, it seems that damaging habits have been formed and — because they have been left unchecked — are now behaviors and perceptions that the participants have grown accustomed to.
 
I’d recommend sitting down with your sister and anyone else in your family that has been making offensive remarks and pawning them off as jokes. Standing up for yourself in a way that puts you at odds with others in the family may feel uncomfortable, but it’s possible to be lovingly assertive without becoming aggressive. I agree with James that to normalize a negative characterization of you or your personality traits and have these comments repeatedly interwoven in and out of family conversations can cause serious emotional damage to you as well as to your relationships with relatives. What would you do if family members routinely ridiculed your nephew? If you would stand up for him and not allow such shoddy behavior in front of you, understand that you deserve the same level of understanding. If your relationships with family members are to become healthy, they will need to be based upon mutual respect.
 
It might also be helpful for your loved ones to contact Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays (PFLAG). I’d further recommend giving them copies of “Loving Someone Gay” by D. Clark and “Coming Out, Coming Home” by J. Golding and P. Wood.