07/21/2011

Dear Patti,
After a very tumultuous three-plus years of passionate loving and terrible fighting, my boyfriend, Sean, thought we should take a temporary break from each other. It’s the last thing I wanted, because I wanted to work out our problems together. I wanted him to refrain from smoking marijuana, and he wanted me to work on my temper. He was adamant about the break, and so I gave in. After missing him terribly for two weeks, I woke up one night with a horrible premonition he was seeing someone else. I immediately drove to his house without calling and he was with another girl. When I confronted them, he acted more concerned about her feelings than mine. After I screamed and cried she left, but what really hurt was that Sean followed her to her car and talked to her for a very long time. When he came back, he begged my forgiveness and kept saying she didn’t mean anything to him. I was unbelievably hurt, and then I became numb. As far as I was concerned, it was his actions that mattered, not his words, and I knew we were done. I truly loved Sean and wanted to marry him, in spite of all our problems, but I think I made the right decision in permanently severing the relationship. 
 
This past weekend, Sean showed up and tried to get back together. He said he made the worst mistake in his life when he betrayed me. I didn’t show it, but my love welled up inside, and it was wonderful seeing him. All I wanted was for him to hold me, but deep down I know this relationship isn’t good for me. I still love him, but I know I can never forget what he did. How do I stay strong and keep him out of my life?
– Gigi

Dear Gigi,
It’s a beautiful thing to feel deep love and passion for someone, and I would never devalue such attachment and affection. I can’t assure you that if you stay apart you won’t deeply miss Sean, grieve for the relationship and possibly, at times, even regret leaving.  Just because you love someone deeply, however, doesn’t necessarily mean it’s a healthy relationship. You’re even saying yourself that it wasn’t. 
 
Although you’ve said you don’t want to get back together, I’m addressing this issue because people often go back and try again when they feel conflicted about a breakup.
 
Ask yourself the following questions:
• Why was your relationship turbulent in the first place?
• If you get back together, what’s going to be different?
• How did Sean’s marijuana habit and your temper affect the relationship?
• What, if anything, has changed during your separation?
 
The only thing I see that’s different is that now you have the added problem of infidelity to contend with. The betrayal might increase your temper problem and Sean’s defensive drug use. Your relationship was already rocky, and if you reunite, your serious relationship issues will still be there. The breakup could also end up being a wake-up call for both of you. If so, it will take a great deal of commitment and effort on both sides, and I’d definitely recommend couple therapy. 
 
Discernment in mate selection is a good thing. Just because you feel strong passion for Sean doesn’t mean you will have a long, happy life together. If you sincerely believe Sean isn’t a good mate, the best way to heal your heart is to go cold turkey and completely cut off contact. I’ve observed a common pattern in many similar relationships; specifically, just when you’re finally over him, he’ll realize you’re slipping away and aggressively try to reconnect. If you truly want a new life — one without Sean — let yourself grieve for what could have been and then move on. I’m sorry it hurts so much, but you have a decision to make: Either make it work or shut the door and start over.