07/29/2010

Dear Patti,
About six months ago, I met a woman I really like through online dating. Megan is exciting, wildly beautiful and sexy but sometimes quite a handful. When we’re alone it’s wonderful, but when we go out she’ll constantly talk and flirt with other guys. She’ll also go off with friends and disappear for a few days. She told me she goes to counseling and I think that’s great because it signifies a willingness to look at herself and grow. 
 
Last week, I went with her to a family party and while I was there her brother-in-law told me Megan had been diagnosed by her therapist as having a histrionic personality disorder. What does that mean?
 
I’m really starting to care about her, but I am worried about taking on a situation I have no control over and ending up being unhappy. I’d appreciate your feedback.
— Eddy

Dear Eddy,
Histrionic personality disorder is one of 10 personality disorders recognized by the American Psychiatric Association, the word itself meaning “dramatic or theatrical.” People with this disorder tend to be excessively emotional, have a powerful need to be the center of attention and get approval — sometimes to the extent of being self-centered and self-indulgent — and are often inappropriately seductive, leaning toward provocative dress. 
 
Coupled with a low tolerance for dissatisfaction or delayed gratification, they’re easily influenced by others, can make rash decisions, have difficulty achieving emotional intimacy in romantic relationships, and may try to control a partner by vacillating between manipulation, seductiveness and strong dependency.
 
Relationships with same-sex friends are also likely strained because of their sexually provocative behavior, and people with this disorder are at a higher risk than the general population to suffer from depression. 
 
On the positive side, they’re usually able to function at a high level, be successful socially and at work, and can be vivacious, enthusiastic and lots of fun.
 
A person suffering from a personality disorder has a certain set of traits that are rigid, inflexible and inappropriate, and often damage their lives and ability to have quality relationships. Development of these disorders usually starts by adolescence, so those who have them tend to avoid seeking help because, since they’ve always been this way, they’re unaware that their feelings and behaviors are causing a problem. This presents a challenge to therapists, because clients are often convinced their emotions and actions are normal. For therapeutic healing to occur, there needs to be a motivation to address the underlying causes and mindsets.
While histrionic personality disorder affects more women than men, it may be that’s it’s diagnosed more frequently because attention-seeking and sexual forwardness are less socially acceptable for females. Because they crave stimulation and excitement, they’re likely to become bored with their jobs, hobbies, lifestyles and partners and not only change these frequently but gravitate toward risky situations. Many will start a job, project or relationship with boundless enthusiasm, but such interest may lag quickly. 
 
For the companion or spouse of a person with this disorder, there are as many who become disillusioned and leave as there are who genuinely believe their mate is worth the high maintenance. In your own situation, Eddy, no one can make that decision except you.
 
Mate selection is one of the most serious and meaningful life decisions you’ll ever face. If your objective is to try to change her, you may become discouraged because of the obstacles inherent in this disorder. As happy as you are to be keeping the chemistry alive with this woman, it’s important to take it slow and not view it wholly through rose-colored glasses. After 18 months, you’ll probably have a better idea of what it would be like to commit to her. At that point, you can then ask yourself whether you can be comfortable with the relationship and accept Megan exactly the way she is.