06/23/2011

Dear Patti,
In three weeks I’m getting married and I’m scared. For the first time in my life, I’ve been getting panic attacks and asking myself if I can even go through with the wedding. Although I probably will, I sometimes feel like running away. I love Kenny so much and can’t imagine my life without him, but how do I know I’ll feel that way forever? People change and grow, and the idea of making a commitment to be with one person for a lifetime feels overwhelming to me. My parents were divorced when I was 10 and I swore I’d never end up like them. I love the life we have created together, and I miss him terribly whenever we’re apart. I’ve thought about postponing the wedding but am worried that at this late date it could damage Kenny’s trust in me. My mother thinks I should see a counselor.
– Joy

Dear Joy,
I certainly can’t advise you through written correspondence as to what choice to make concerning one of the most important decisions of your life, but I do have some thoughts I’d like you to consider.

You’re clearly expressing fear and doubt but not offering any specifics (i.e., mistrust, dissatisfaction, irreconcilable differences) as to why these feelings exist. Instead, your anxiety is focusing on
(1) the idea of a lifetime commitment of love,
(2) panic attacks and
(3) your parents’ divorce. 

Lifetime Commitment: Have you ever worried you’d suddenly stop loving your favorite grandparent or that you’d stop loving your own child at age 10? Feelings of true love and deep attachment can shift and change with the passage of time, but they probably won’t stop. In my opinion, what causes love to die in a relationship is trauma, neglect or abuse. You’re feeling overwhelmed by the idea of loving someone for a lifetime, but what about the concept of being loved for a lifetime? You need to decide whether your trepidations are truly because you’re choosing the wrong person or the wrong lifestyle or if your feelings are based on prior hurt and trauma. Unless those feelings are dealt with, you’re likely to continue repeating them in future relationships.

Panic Attacks: A panic attack is an anxiety disorder that is dealt with by experiencing the underlying feelings. I highly recommend you attend psychotherapy — possibly multiple times in the next three weeks — in order to better understand your fears and negative feelings. Explore the possibility that you are, in fact, just temporarily panicking. If you allow yourself to face and experience your buildup of emotions, you will be able to make better life decisions. I understand your concern about the stigma of going to therapy. The truth, though, is that many people attending therapy are high-functioning individuals living high-quality lives who want to better understand themselves in order to further their ability to love themselves, have deep meaningful relationships with others, and embrace an even more satisfying life.

Parents’ Divorce: Do you think you’d have doubts about marrying Kenny if your parents hadn’t split up when you were young? If the answer is no, then you have work to do in therapy. I don’t believe in dredging up the past unless the trauma of that history’s affecting the quality of life today. When you’re in an anxiety state, your thoughts are fearful. While that’s understandable and needs to be addressed, also think about the positive. You’ll have the chance to love another, a chance to do what your parents were unable to do. If you don’t try, you will have broken up like your parents did, just at an earlier stage.
 
If you do decide to postpone your wedding, I want you to make sure you’re not doing so impulsively out 
of anxiety. If you face your feelings and extinguish your anxiety and still want to postpone your upcoming marriage, please don’t view it as a failure. It would be a difficult decision but less so than a future divorce.