Dear Patti,

My husband and I have been separated the last nine months and we’ve decided to get back together. I’m very happy. I know it’s the right thing to do. More than anything, I want this chance to start over and have a better marriage. Do you have any advice to help me with my New Year’s resolution?
— Samantha

Dear Samantha,

Here’s to a new beginning! I’ve spelled out some tips for rediscovering, respecting and strengthening the love you share.
Hear your husband completely. Communication — verbal and nonverbal — is essential. Before contradicting his point of view, understand that his perceptions are real to him and shouldn’t be dismissed. If he says you pay more attention to the dog than him — even if you believe it’s not true — imagine what it’s like for him to feel ignored.

Assess your romantic/sexual relationship. Starting from where you are, gently persist with small steps to increase contact. Don’t rush. If, for instance, you’re not having sex or being affectionate except for occasional pecks on the cheek, start by holding his hand, stroking his arm and kissing him on the lips. Progress gradually to more passion, intimacy, frequency and becoming more sexually adventurous.

Practice fair fighting rules. If you’re arguing and need a time-out, don’t leave without saying how long you’ll be. If you need an hour and after that are still too angry to return, call to say you need another hour. This avoids triggering desertion issues. Never criticize him in front of others; always wait until you’re alone. Negative talk about your partner should be confined to a psychotherapist, physician, spiritual leader or someone you both trust explicitly and who believes in your marriage. And no ultimatums, either, unless you’re ready to pack your bags again.

Pamper your husband. Surprise him with a new book by his favorite author, keep his comfort foods available and bring him a sweater or blanket when it’s cold, even before he asks. Think of all the sweet things you did when you were first dating. Give him plenty of compliments and show him he’s appreciated. Spend lots of alone time giving him one-on one attention.

Your recognition that all good marriages have difficulties is crucial. Take responsibility, knowing a successful union isn’t about picking the right partner but becoming the right partner. He may not be the knight in shining armor you saw when you first fell in love, but he’s not as dark and negative as you project when angry and disappointed. Work on embracing a more accurate image of who he really is.

Never suffer silently. Always be forthright about your feelings, needs and desires.

Everybody else (except for very young children or elderly, ill parents) comes second to your husband. The world is often challenging, and couples who protect each other’s back and put each other first are the richest.

Whenever you can, correct and improve the things he has consistently asked you to change. Even if it’s hard and requires counseling, you’ll be better for trying.

You may be his biggest fan of his qualities you admire, but it’s also necessary to be gentle and loving when focusing on flaws. People are often right about their spouses’ problems, but sometimes hammer each other over the head with the truth.

Eliminate blaming, criticizing, ordering, labeling, belittling, preaching, threatening and ignoring. Substitute acts of enthusiasm, love, trust and co-operation.

Always treat your husband’s self-esteem like a rare, fragile treasure. Support and believe in him, especially when he’s having trouble believing in himself. Value his needs and wishes as highly as your own.

Remember to give the healing, nurturing gift of your love. Every time you take care of him, you are also taking care of yourself.