Unfortunately, we argue and bicker all the time now. Amanda says that I act too uptight and grown-up for my age, that all I do is study and am never any fun. She thinks that I’m way too critical and controlling and is tired of my nagging and scolding. I think she’s too childlike and wild. She stays out way too late, doesn’t take school seriously and does what she pleases without thinking about the consequences. We obviously have different values and points of view on how to live life, but I want to know from a professional: which way of being is healthier?
— Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Although your friendship with Amanda seems to have veered off course lately, the history you share tells me that if you’re both open to the task of exploring your respective behaviors, it’s possible to find a balance that will allow you to live together more harmoniously.

Imagine that inside of you there are three distinctly different people controlling your behavior and personality — a child, a parent and an adult. If one of these ego states strongly overpowers the other two, disharmony results. In order for you to feel happy and at peace, all three need to not only get along but also be free to express themselves.

The “parent” ego state contains negative and positive attitudes, much like real parents. On the negative side, an internalized parent expresses feelings through scolding and criticism (for example, judging oneself harshly for getting an average grade on a test). The positive side expresses feelings of nurturing and protection (e.g., leaving a fun party at a responsible time in order to prepare for an exam the next morning). Whether a person has a predominantly positive or negative parent ego state often depends on the parental models he or she was exposed to as a child.

“The “adult” ego state is about the ability to solve problems. This is the intelligent and organized part of a personality. A person who has an overdeveloped adult ego state, however, might be perceived by others to be stiff and boring — a product of relying too heavily on logic and lacking emotional and creative expression. An example might be a student who finds it difficult to laugh and be silly among friends or roll around on the grass and play with children or pets.

The “child” ego state contains the emotional and creative part of the self that engages in passionate, artistic, musical, spontaneous and fun activities and outlooks. For instance, the imagination of a great novelist depends heavily on an active and healthy “inner child.” An unhealthy child ego state might lead someone to stay up too late, oversleep the next morning and miss school or work.

Jessica, are your rigid adult or critical parent ego states running your life? Is your child ego state underdeveloped? Is Amanda correct in saying that maybe you need to play and laugh more? While it’s laudable that you’re a conscientious student, it’s equally important to reward yourself on occasion with activities that are fun.

As for Amanda, it sounds as if she might be allowing her child ego state to run the show. That may have consequences, especially if it impacts the ability of others to take her seriously. Are Amanda’s parent and adult ego states being neglected and ignored?

You and Amanda are very different and can either learn from each other or become polarized and have trouble getting along. For both of you, negative behaviors can be unlearned and out-of-balance ego states can be changed. It just takes time and willingness to work on it.