Dear Patti,

I’m a stay-at-home mother and take my role seriously. I have three children: Kaitlin, 9; Daniel, 5; and Mia, 3.

I have wonderful parents who I love dearly and who love my children very much. All three kids love to visit Grandma and Grandpa and usually stay with them one weekend a month.

The problem is that while they’re fantastic, they’re overindulgent and spoil my kids. My mother gives them too many sweets, my father allows them to stay up way past their bedtimes, and both buy too many presents.

Their grandchildren can’t do anything wrong in their eyes! Recently, Kaitlin came home from their house wearing sandals with one green and one orange knee sock. When I commented that my mother should’ve made her change, my mother replied, “Kaitlin is a very artistic child.”

I explained to my parents how I feel. They tightened up the rules, but inevitably went back to their old habits. How can I impress upon them this isn’t good parental behavior?
—Melissa

Dear Melissa,

Grandparents are like a piece of string — handy to have around and easily wrapped around the fingers of their grandchildren. While you’re correct that your parents aren’t providing good parental behavior, remember that they’re not your children’s parents and they do have a right to set the rules (within reason) for visits that take place under their roof.

Children learn to adapt quickly and amazingly well to prevailing expectations in various environments. They know, for instance, that the way they behave at Disneyland isn’t the way they’re expected to behave in church or temple. In junior high and high school, kids have to change their behavior daily for multiple teachers, and they do so quite naturally and with a minimum level of confusion.

Because of the good job you’re already doing, the easygoing style your parents like to embrace when taking care of your children on a monthly basis probably isn’t going to harm them. At the same time, it’s important for your mom and dad to respect you and your husband’s roles as parents and to resist the temptation of undermining your efforts by interfering, giving too much unsolicited advice, or creating conflict that can cause friction and distance within the family.

If you have true concerns, sit down with your parents and make clear which of their rules you’re uncomfortable with. If a rule is important to you, it’s necessary they follow it. Gently explain your trepidations, and then be willing to compromise. For example, if your mother is comfortable with her grandchildren getting a cookie from the cookie jar whenever they wish (as opposed to your own rule of always asking permission first), you can add “except for an hour before dinner time.”

After this discussion, have an all-inclusive, three-generation conversation that imparts the new ground rules to your children and how they differ from the rules at home.

Recent studies reveal that children close to at least one grandparent are more emotionally secure than those without such a tie. The bond between a child and a grandchild is often unique, with unlimited love, mutual admiration and unqualified acceptance. Allow your children to feel special when they’re with them. They’re babysitters who watch your children, not the television.

Grandparents often provide help when needed, strengthen the family, and — by sharing their experiences — build a sense of family heritage. Many grandparents feel mentally stimulated and physically renewed after having been with their grandchildren.

While it’s not acceptable for your children to develop an unhealthy sense of entitlement, demand a constant array of gifts or expect the universe to revolve around them, there’s nothing wrong with them being the center of their grandparents’ world. Grandparents hold their hands for just a little while, but their hearts forever.