Dear Patti,
I’m 29 and have worked hard to become accomplished and self-sufficient and have lots of dear friends. Since men find me attractive, I don’t have any problem getting dates, but they usually don’t ask me out again after the first or second time.

My friends Stephanie and Nicole worry that I reveal too much about myself on first dates, and that men get turned off before they get a chance to know me. I disagree. I told them about a date where I shared the problems I had with an ex-boyfriend and how I’d become depressed after the breakup and required therapy. Another time I got into a political debate and both my friends believe you shouldn’t talk politics on a first date. While I understand where they’re coming from, life’s too short to have to put up pretenses; if I can’t be real and say who I really am and what I believe in, then maybe it’s good to find out upfront if we’re incompatible.

My friend Ryan thinks that maybe I come across as too needy and might be scaring men away. That’s ironic, because I’ve worked hard not to be a dependent wallflower waiting for a guy to give me a life. I know it’s natural at my age to desire a mate or husband and eventually a family, but I realize Ryan might be right. Deep down, all I’m ever thinking about anymore is finding someone to be with. I can’t help but feel my life is on hold and that it won’t get better until I fall in love with the right person.
—Kelly

Dear Kelly,
Good relationships are based on the ability to be intimate and real, but you first need to earn the right to do so. While you don’t want to waste energy on someone who’s incompatible, a new relationship needs nurturing and time to gain emotional strength through attachment before it starts being tested. Imagine stepping onto a rickety old bridge. Since you’re unsure of its ability to handle your weight, you’d probably take one cautious step to see if it holds, then another and so forth. I doubt you’d take a flying leap and just jump onto the middle of it, hoping for the best.

If a woman reveals on a first date that she’s on antidepressants, hasn’t talked to her sister for five years and might be losing her job, it might scare off a suitor. After a year or two in a positive relationship, that same man might be more than willing to go through family disputes or serious illness with his partner because of the emotional bond and trust that has evolved. Revealing something small at the outset can be endearing, while exposing something huge might cause the person to perceive you as someone with too many burdensome problems. Once love is established, good traits are apparent and help partners overlook flaws.

While I admire and support your forthrightness and openness and consider them positive qualities, I’m concerned you might be expressing impatience and frustration fueled by feelings of deprivation and discontent. It’s difficult to be patient when desperately wanting something more. This brings me to your concern about being too needy or dependent.

I understand the pride you take in being an independent career woman, but sometimes a split-off part of the personality — after being consistently ignored or suppressed — eventually rises up and takes over. There’s a possibility you’ve denied the dependent part of you that yearns to be loved and taken care of and this desire is now manifesting as inappropriate demands. Strive to create a balance by facing these feelings head on and integrating them with the aspect of you that’s strong and autonomous. Acknowledge the need for another person to lean on, as well as loving yourself — no one can love you more than you can.