Dear Patti,

My husband Scott lost the majority of our savings and his parents’ entire retirement fund in a financial scam. My father-in-law can’t retire next year like he planned and has to continue working. My husband is devastated and keeps beating himself up for being so reckless.

I’m worried about him. He can’t sleep, he’s up at all hours of the night, irritable one minute, sad and guilty the next. He’s constantly fatigued and doesn’t seem to care about anything right now. He has no sexual drive and that’s not like my husband. Our doctor diagnosed him as depressed, put him on an anti-depressant and insisted he see a psychotherapist.

Scott doesn’t see any reason to go to therapy because he believes nothing can change that the money is gone, so why talk about it? I don’t know how to argue with that. Do you advise therapy in a situation like this? Is there anything I should be doing to support him?
— Cynthia

Dear Cynthia,

First, I’m so sorry for your loss. It was obviously a terrible ordeal and I realize it’s a hardship for the family that’s not yet over. Just like your husband, many first-time therapy patients express sentiments such as “What’s the point? No matter what I say in my therapy sessions, nothing’s going to change the fact that I have cancer” or “Nothing in a therapy session can change the fact that my wife had an affair.”

Many times, however, after a therapy appointment in which they’ve expressed grief, rage, pain and even shame, a patient will make comments like “the knot in my stomach is gone,” or “I haven’t felt like eating in a week and all of a sudden I have an appetite,” or “I feel so much better right now, maybe I can actually get some sleep tonight.”

While therapy can strengthen an individual emotionally to be able to better handle the unalterable and sometimes terrible events in life, psychotherapy isn’t about altering the permanent, observable external events but, rather, dealing with what’s really going on inside oneself and focusing on the mind that’s confused and tired and a heart that’s overwhelmed, sad and weary.

If a small child was sad and angry about losing a beloved pet, you wouldn’t turn your back and say there’s no point in addressing the child’s pain because we can’t bring the pet back to life. You’d probably take the child into your arms, listen to all his feelings until he feels better and then comfort him some more when he once again remembered his loss. Psychotherapy is similar in giving love, time and patience to those in a painful, emotional state.

One reason I’d encourage Scott to seek psychotherapy is because I’m concerned about his tendency to attack himself and exacerbate — if not create — his depressive symptoms. It’s healthy to look at past behaviors, have serious regrets and apply one’s mistakes toward future behavior, but it’s also critical in times of despair to embrace self-acceptance, respect and love in order to move forward.

Since Scott has so many feelings bottled up, you can help him by listening attentively and encouraging him to open up. You don’t have to do anything special, just be fully present. Timing is important, so take his lead. When he’s withdrawn and quiet, respect his space and don’t invade. When he does open up, be sure to be available. Try not to interrupt or give too much criticism or advice. It takes a lot of concentration to respectfully listen but this creates a bond of closeness and intimacy that is much needed in times like these.

This is a difficult time for you as well, having also suffered financial loss and experienced the one you love in pain. Besides supporting Scott going to therapy, you might consider professional counseling for yourself.