Dear Patti,

My best friend Christy and I have been as close as sisters since high school. Eight years ago we moved to LA together from Wisconsin. For over three years Christy has been partying heavily; drinking every day and doing a lot of cocaine. She has a great job in the industry as a make-up artist and I’m afraid she’s going to lose her job. Christy has always been one of the most beautiful girls I ever knew, but lately she has been looking really bad.

Since she won’t listen to me, I called her older brother Lance, who cares deeply about her, and told him everything. Lance told the whole family and they hired an interventionist. In two days this specialist and nine of Christy’s family members and friends are flying out to do an intervention. Her beloved elderly grandmother is coming, although her grandfather couldn’t because of his health.
I am glad they are coming, but I am afraid Christy will feel betrayed by me for contacting her family. Some friends have said that I made a mistake because an intervention only works when the person has absolutely hit “rock bottom.” Did I do the right thing?
—Jenna

Dear Jenna,

I understand the difficult situation you are in, imagining the hurt and disbelief you will see in Christy’s eyes when she realizes that her best friend told her family that she is an addict. More importantly, though, I realize how much suffering Christy is going through as she slowly becomes only a shadow of her former self.

Drug and alcohol addiction is a terminal disease. However, it is treatable. Christy’s secrets will keep her sick and you summoned the courage to break the destructive silence and therefore start the beginning of treatment. Whether or not Christy accepts it, the act of telling her family is a gift of love. It used to be a common belief that a person had to “bottom out” and ask for help before treatment would be accepted, but often death or serious illness occurred first. Now it has been proven that many have been inspired by intervention and followed through on treatment.

Christy’s intervention will consist of a group of loved ones led by a professional addiction specialist who will assess the unity, mindset and personality of the group, the emotional/physical health of the dependent person and the finances and realistic treatment options available. (When possible, I recommend residential treatment.) Each member will express in his or her own way how much they love Christy and how important it is that she gets help. There will be intense feelings of fear, nervousness, love, hopelessness and hope. All of this is normal. It is the interventionist’s responsibility to direct the meeting so it is motivational and inspiring, to offer respectful solutions, and to protect Christy from threats, demands and unnecessary confrontations. This isn’t the time for expressing anger and resentment — emotions that members are often experiencing and have every right to feel. When the hard things have been said, secrets are out and fear is faced, recovery can begin.

It’s critical that the meeting be a complete surprise so that Christy’s defenses are down and she is vulnerable to the truth. If it hasn’t already been suggested, it might be a good idea to present a video of sentiments from Christy’s ill grandfather. Asking someone you love to go away can feel counter-intuitive; inpatient programs, however, are the most effective insofar as allowing the person the chance to be completely immersed in recovery. Acceptance can be an immediate or a slow process with a gradual breaking down of her defenses; support and affirm her decision.

Understandably, the refusal of a loved one to accept help is always heartbreaking. Even if she runs out ashamed or angry, the presence of all her loved ones will have an effect and, hopefully, be a wake-up call to start facing her problem. Forget about guilt and disloyalty. There’s nothing wrong about trying to help; the only wrong doing is the failure to respond. Never give up hope.