Dear Patti,
My sister and I need your help. I’m a high school senior and Sammi’s a junior. We live with our mom; our dad died nine years ago. I know it’s hard raising us by herself, but until recently she’s been terrific. Everything changed six months ago when her boyfriend, Greg, moved in. He claims he’s in real estate, but we never see him work. He helps pay rent, but doesn’t help with much else. Mom comes home from work, cooks for him and gets him whatever he wants while he watches TV. He also smokes; no one ever smoked in our house before.

Sammi’s Yorkie was always allowed to roam freely, but Greg claims he’s allergic and that the dog has to be kept in Sammi’s bedroom or outside. The other night I heard him talking about how good-looking our neighbor was, making mom feel insecure. I’ve tried to tell her how wrong he is for her, but she won’t listen. She says she loves him, but I don’t understand why. I just want my old mom back.
—Chelsea

Dear Chelsea,

There are two parts of this problem that need to be examined separately. The first is your understandable resentment of Greg’s intrusion on your lives. Second is your feeling of frustration that your mom’s not listening to your fears she’s in an unhealthy relationship.

After you lost your dad, you and Sammi may have wanted a father figure to fill that void. During the past nine years, however, you’ve both adapted to a satisfying life with just the three of you. To have that status quo suddenly disrupted by a stranger just before you go off to college or move away is unsettling. What I want you to do, Chelsea, is write a prioritized list of all the disturbing changes that have affected you and your sister. Share this list with your mom and offer alternatives reflecting your willingness to compromise; such as agreeing to keep the dog away from Greg but requesting he only smoke outside. Explain how difficult it is for you girls to have everything radically change. If you can separate your concerns about their relationship from the needs of you and Sammi, your mom may respond more positively.

While I think it’s reasonable to be protective of those you love, part of growing up is learning to understand their flaws and vulnerabilities. On the one hand, it might have been better if your mom had waited until you and Sammi were older before committing to a new man.

Conversely, the loneliness of being without a man may have taken its toll and triggered the emergence of a hidden self that’s needy and dependent. Much as you may disagree, I’m asking you to exercise empathy and to give advice about her relationship sparingly. You may have previously viewed her as just a mom and breadwinner, but the fact is that she also needs your support as a woman and a friend. If she sees you’re trying to comprehend her needs, she’ll be more apt to acknowledge yours.

When you say you want your old mom back, you need to clarify in what ways. If you mean the mom who didn’t try so hard to please a man, that may be unrealistic. If you mean the mom who went to dinner and movies with just you and Sammi, you need to let her know you miss these things. I’d also recommend family counseling that includes Greg. In addition, your mom may want to attend individual or couples counseling.

Last but definitely not least is my concern that you and Sammi are safe and never, ever physically or emotionally abused. I don’t hear this in your letter, but if you ever suspect you’re in jeopardy, go immediately to someone you trust that has authority in your life like a grandparent, teacher or minister.