Dear Patti,
I’m happily married to a wonderful man who’d do anything for me, but I have two small grievances. Charlie doesn’t talk a lot to begin with, and when he does it’s hard for him to be open or go very deep. When I want a heart-to heart discussion, I turn to my sisters or one of my girlfriends. I’m grateful for them, but I’d like to communicate that way with Charlie.
The other problem is embarrassing, but he always wants sex — anytime and anywhere. I love our sex life, but sometimes I just want to hug and kiss. If I reach out and touch him, he invariably takes it as a sign for sex.
Other women have told me their husbands are the same way. Is that just the way men are?
—Lori.

Dear Lori,
In recent years, much research has been done on gender differences and their effects on relationships. The evidence that genuine, substantiated differences exist makes it incumbent upon both sexes to be accepting and tolerant. Your husband isn’t bad, wrong or broken; he’s just responding from a more male perspective.

Nor are you alone in your disappointment that he doesn’t easily share your desire for meaningful, personal discussions. Women are often more verbal and adept at expressing feelings. One study showed that a woman speaks 10,000 words a day contrasted to a man’s daily output of 2,000. It’s been humorously explained that when men are through talking at work about business and money they come home and their measly 2,000 words are used up. I commend you for reaching out to get your needs met by others — and not expecting Charlie to be the sole provider of insightful discussion.

If you want to initiate changes in your marital dynamic, express your desires to Charlie in terms of what you want — not what you don’t want. For example, say “I’d like to spend 10 minutes cuddling,” rather than “I don’t want you constantly grabbing me in a sexual way.”

Break up your goals into smaller requests. Instead of appealing for romantic presents, ask him to surprise you with a little gift sometime this week. Be specific rather than abstract; e.g., “I’d love to hear what it was like for you to see your old high school buddies,” rather than “Open up more.” Be sensitive as well to how verbal traits of criticizing, nagging and micromanaging tend to trigger a male reaction of shutting off or acting out.

As for your sex life, there’s an old saying that women need to feel good about a relationship in order to want sex and men need to feel good about their sex life in order to want a relationship. It may seem to you and your women friends that your husbands are oversexed; men, however, think their wives are undersexed. Gently communicate your need for a physical connection that’s not sexual.

Sometimes the only thing you can do about the differences is laugh. A joke told by therapists touches on both your complaints:
It goes like this: A couple came to therapy. The therapist saw the woman first and she explained, “I don’t know what’s wrong with us, but Sean isn’t responsive like he used to be and always seems preoccupied. We went to dinner last night and he barely made eye contact. When a group of his co-workers stopped by our table, I noticed a spark between him and this other woman. I stayed overnight even though I wasn’t sure he wanted me to. We were in bed watching TV and just when I got the nerve to mention my concerns, I discovered he was asleep. I’m worried our relationship’s ‘honeymoon phase’ might be over, because he never goes to sleep without sex when I stay over.” She returned to the therapist’s lobby so the therapist could talk with the man. “How are you two doing?” the therapist asked. “Fine,” he replied. “Dawn stayed over last night, didn’t get laid though.”