Dear Patti,
I went to a party with some girlfriends from my dorm and left with a guy I’d never met before. My friends wanted me to stay with them, but I didn’t listen and I was raped. I’m back home now and seeing a rape crisis counselor twice a week. My therapist says I should feel anger toward this boy, but I only feel anger toward myself and can’t blame anyone but me. It was so stupid to go off with someone I didn’t know!

Sometimes I relive the incident over and over. My parents want me to go back to school, but I’m not ready. I avoid going out at night and, except for my dad, am uncomfortable around men, even my uncle. I almost get a panic attack when men are around. I know I’ll get over this, but I’m depressed.
— Amber

Dear Amber,

I’m so very sorry you had to go through such a terrible ordeal, but not for one moment should you ever believe that it was your fault. No matter what you did or didn’t do, no one deserves to be subjected to a crime as violent as rape. I agree that you made a mistake by going off with a stranger, but I hate to see you take responsibility for his behavior, and that includes feeling ashamed or guilty.

Unfortunately, victims of violent crimes are often so afraid of their own rage toward their perpetrators that they defend against this fury by turning it against themselves.

Think of someone you love who is physically vulnerable, such as your elderly grandmother. If she unwisely trusted someone bigger and stronger and was subsequently overpowered and sexually assaulted, would you put the blame for that act on her? Of course not! Nor can you put the blame on yourself.

Anger is resentment at being hurt. In order to heal fully you need to experience the anger toward those who hurt you, rather than directing it toward yourself.

I’m very glad you’re seeing your counselor frequently. After a terrifying event, any reminder even remotely similar to the original experience can trigger memories and flashbacks and create anxiety. In your case, you panic at being out at night or in the presence of males because it retriggers the pain and rage caused by being raped. I suggest you and your counselor use systematic desensitization, teaching you to pair relaxation with feared situations, such as being around men.

After gradual exposure you might only be afraid of complete strangers. After more desensitizing, maybe only men who physically look like the one that violated you will create anxiety, until eventually you’ll only get nervous in a threatening situation.

It’s imperative that you relive the experience and explore all your feelings connected to it. Face and heal the fear, shame, rage and pain. Letting yourself confront, rather than avoid, them increases your ability to heal your depression and anxiety symptoms. Imagine you have a heavy sack of emotion on your back and each time you experience your feelings, you scoop a spoonful of the emotional burden out of the sack and lighten the load.

I recommend reading “Beauty Bites Beast” by Pasadena Weekly columnist Ellen Snortland and taking a self-defense course, www.impactpersonalsaftey.com, to help with these powerful feelings.

Explain to loved ones that it’s normal for recovery to take time. You need to be treated with respect and dignity and be with those who are supportive and loving.

Insist on emotionally working this through because you have your whole life ahead of you. Amber, honey, it wasn’t your fault.