02/18/2010

Dear Patti,
I’m 69 and had a stroke two years ago that left me in a wheelchair. Thank goodness I’m financially able to afford around-the-clock nursing. I have two very close women friends and adore both my nurses — life is good. My only child, James, is married, has 3-year-old twin daughters and lives about four hours away from Pasadena. I truly understand it’s difficult for him and his wife to get away and that twins are a handful, but paralysis and other physical difficulties have left me unable to travel and I haven’t seen any of them for over a year. James calls and sends photographs. My friends laugh at me because I’m constantly looking at pictures of my granddaughters — they look so much like their father!
 
A few weeks ago my son called to say that he and his family were in LA because a college friend of his had been in a car accident. He wanted to see if I’d like to babysit the girls. I was so excited that I had my nurse run out and buy dolls, teddy bears, blocks and all kinds of things. We had so much fun. We played all afternoon, sang songs, colored pictures and I took lots of photographs. They were so precious! My son couldn’t stay long but I was glad to see he looked so well.  I insisted the girls take their new toys with them, but the house seemed so empty after they left.
 
I haven’t been well since that visit. My doctor thinks I’m depressed and is concerned it’s affecting my physical health. I don’t understand why I’m so low since I’m thrilled to have seen James’ family and really understand how busy he is.
—Joyce

Dear Joyce,
Since depression could be taking a toll on your physical condition, I want you to look deep inside. In order to emotionally grow to the best of your ability, it’s important to face all your feelings, even the darkest or most hidden. You don’t have to share these feelings with others but never lie to yourself. Depression is just like the word sounds — feelings pressed down. When feelings are ignored and avoided, they build up and cause emotional and physical pain that can interfere with — and even overrun — your life.
 
Each time you confront these dreaded feelings, it’s like scooping a little out and lightening the load of depression off you. You then start to heal a little at a time.  
 
I highly recommend you find a professional psychotherapist that you trust and who’s trained in dealing with depression. Is there a chance that even though you feel happiness and love in your heart for your family you might also feel neglected, resentful of the time James makes for others, or sad because you don’t get to watch your beloved grandchildren grow up and to meaningfully bond with them? It’s obvious they mean the world to you. Even though you have good friends, are you lonely? In trying so hard to be understanding are you denying other feelings that could be at the root of your depression? In order to defend against facing these feelings you may make excuses for James’ behavior. These are subjects I recommend you investigate, especially since your depressive symptoms started immediately after your son’s family visited.
 
Once you have a clear understanding what your true feelings are, you can discuss with your counselor what to share or not share with your son. You may want to explore the option of asking for change in the family dynamics, such as asking James to commit to bringing the girls to see you for regular visits since it obviously means so much to you. Studies show that strong attachments can be created if children get a chance to see their grandparents at least four times a year. 
 
By facing feelings that are difficult for you, you can go back to your loving way of being without being weighted down by depression. And you’ll be better equipped to protect yourself in relationships and less likely to experience depression and anxiety.